I haven't posted in a long time. This either means nothing has happened worth posting, or I'm a lazy bastard. My money's on the latter. I'm not posting anything worth reading here, it's just a basic rundown of stuff that's happened. Sorry for the wall of text but I don't feel like enclosing it in tags so deal with it.

I tried salvia a while back with some people. Now I'm torn between never wanting to do it again and trying it one more time. It was such an alien feeling, like someone pulled a cover over all of my senses. It felt like all my senses were dulled, but this fact made every sensation seem almost overwhelming. I remember time itself seeming to slow down, or at least I thought it did. I found out after that I lost about 6 minutes of my life. I have no idea what went on in those 6 minutes. I vaguely remember thinking, as I first started tripping, that every sensation was so intense it was like a warzone and I just wanted to escape from reality itself. Then, before I knew it, I was falling slowly back to Earth, back into myself. It was over and all I felt was a warm haze in my mind.

A certain friend of mine, who shall remain unnamed, has proclaimed that he got me drunk at Marquette's Halloween party. While it's true he mixed me a rum and coke, I didn't get totally wasted. After that I finished another mixer, played some beer pong (which resulted in my drinking about 3 or 4 beers worth), finished an orange soda and vodka, and took a quick hit of some other liquor I can't remember. So yeah, I got reasonably tipsy, but not as plastered as he would have you believe.

I joined the Capoeira club at MCC. I love it. I'm going to keep doing it for as long as I can. I've never been very strong and seeing the way some of the other capoeiristas can control their bodies has given me the motivation to begin physically training myself. I hope in a few months' time I will be able to do even a quarter of what I see some of the higher chords do. Right now my main focus is on matching movements with an opponent, acting and reacting much more smoothly and carefully. Capoeira has me moving in ways I never have before, and my body makes sure I know it every day. My muscles and joins and bones have never been so sore. It's a great feeling.

Recently I've been spending time with an awesome girl who's not like your average college slut. I'm not going to say much more about it now. It's been a really long time since I've had a girlfriend and I've almost forgotten what it's like. Sometimes I even forget how to act; it's kind of embarrassing. But, for all my flaws, she apparently likes me and that's something I wouldn't give up for the world. Anyway, I realize that relationships are a double-edged sword, and that I need to put in what I want out of it. I think it's finally time for me to step up.

That's it...for now. See you, space cowboy.

Has it already been a month since I last posted?? Summer just seems to fly by, especially since I've been so busy with work and all. Basically I work 7 days a week, 7-8 hours a day. On bad days I work 14 or 15 hours in one day (just one of the lovely perks of having two jobs). In case you don't know, I work weekdays full time as a document scanner for a small company. Cushy work, minimum wage UNDER THE TABLE, it's not such a bad deal once you get over the SHEER INCREDIBLE BOREDOM aspect. The people are nice (and old), and I could think of a lot of worse jobs to have. Too bad it's so damn time-consuming.

As for my other job, I'm a parking attendant for concerts at the CMAC out in Canandaigua. Concerts are pretty much every weekend, sometimes Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Sometimes they're on weekdays (like tonight, for instance), but I'm not usually able to go to those. Far from a glamorous job, I spend the pre-concert time waving a flag for 3 or 4 hours directing cars into the lot. We get the "during the concert" time as paid break, which can last 1 or 2 hours, during which we are free to watch the show (for free, might I add), eat dinner (at outrageously overpriced food kiosks, or leave (but we have to clock out). Post-show, I spend the time waving a glowy lightstick thing frantically trying to captivate the attention of mostly drunken idiots who are, unfortunately, a little less than patient. Chances are good I'll get yelled at, cursed at, get garbage thrown at me, rained on, bug-bitten, sun-burned, applauded, or bribed - sometimes all in one evening. But dude!!   Free concerts!!

Another unmentioned plus to that job is that I get to spend a good deal of time with a few of my old high school friends on a somewhat regular basis. However, I am finding that perk to be less appealing with each passing event. I miss the MCC people I met through the JCS and EGS. I haven't hung out with a single person from MCC in...well, I forget. It's been that long. I can think of a few people, or persons, that I would like to have the opportunity to get to know better outside of school. Maybe some day soon I'll have the time, energy, and motivation to make that a reality. Who knows what the future holds.

The title says it all. I've decided to get into shape. Most of you know know me are probably thinking something like, "Wait, you look like you're in decent enough shape, like any average skinny white guy." Yeah, this is true. I'm not terribly unfit, I'm just not...what I could be. So, I've decided to change that.

I've come to the realization that I've taken the body I have for granted. I've never had any problems keeping my weight down. If anything, what I have trouble with is gaining weight. My metabolism is high, enough so that I can eat -a lot- of food and gain very little. What this amounts to is me - 145 pounds, 11% body fat, very little muscle mass, and next to no endurance. So yeah, at first glance I look like your average skinny white guy, but the fact is that I'm really underdeveloped.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not about to turn body builder and pump iron and hulk out. I plan on taking the body I have and fine-tuning it to be the best that it can be. First things first, I'm going to continue running until I can do about 5 miles easily. I'm going to start biking also. Doing this will build my endurance, heart and lung strength, and help burn off a little body fat. As I develop a steady cardiovascular workout routine, I'll slowly ease myself into weight training. Since I haven't ever done it before, I need to get used to lifting my own body weight easily. Push-ups, sit-ups, crunches, squats, the whole bit. Once I feel confident in my abilities to train under my own weight, then I'll start lifting regularly. By the "end" of it all, I'll have boosted my endurance, built a solid muscle frame, lost the little extra fat I've got, and become generally as fit as I can.

All this, of course, has to be carried through. I already eat pretty healthy, but I can do better. I can't sit in front of a computer screen all day either. I can't drink soda all the time (yes Mt. Dew, I'm looking at you), I can't gorge on ice cream after dinner. I've got to keep on eating the carbs only if I'm working out, otherwise it's just unspent energy and it gets stored away - in fat (this isn't too big a problem for me since my body's crazy efficient at using energy. I don't get fat, I just fidget all the time).

You can say what you want, you can call me a health freak. But the fact is this is the way our bodies are made to work. Our ancestors didn't consume enormous quantities of complex carbohydrates and hydrogenated shit and then go home and watch House. They didn't sit around while their bodies said, "WTF am I supposed to do with this goddamn Big Mac you just ate? You're not doing anything with it!" We aren't built to hold 100 or 200 pounds of useless fat. An average man needs 5% body fat to stay alive. Between 8 and 14% is considered "normal". For athletes, it's 6 or 7%. I'm shooting for 6%.

I may start up with martial arts again down the road, take up swimming, or look into some kind of gymnastics program. In my opinion, the people that do these three things are some of the most physically fit. You hear talk of a "swimmers'" body where every muscle is trimmed and cut to exactly where it needs to be. The same is true for martial artists or gymnasts. They may not be exceptionally strong, but their bodies are like well-oiled machines.

I just hope I have the drive to go through with this. Hopefully by writing my thoughts down here I have somehow affirmed my dedication. I guess we'll see how it goes. I'll write again about my progress throughout the program. But right now, I'm going to finish off the cookie dough ice cream and drink a Mountain Dew.

I haven't posted anything lately because I've been dealing with some stuff at home, helping my mom through some difficult times for her, doing what I can to make things better. As such I haven't really been home much. Maybe for a total of 20 minutes earlier this evening...and it's a little difficult to find the time to gather my thoughts privately at my mom's place what with everything going on. But I finally have a bit of free time to unload a bit. I'll make it quick.

I saw Indiana Jones 4 last Friday. It was pretty sweet. Not as good as it could have been, but a worthy addition to the series nonetheless. It's not often we see a movie tetralogy.  I wonder if they're planning on making another one? If you ask me, I don't think Shia LaBeouf's really up to filling Harrison Ford's shoes, but hey, what do I know of these things? He's becoming quite the ubiquitous actor lately.

I got back from Detroit Monday night. I went with my dad, little brother, and stepmom for the weekend. Even though I was dreading it, it turned out to me marginally bearable. However, I think it may be the last of his so-called "family trips" that join them on. I'm just getting too old for it. Anyway, Detroit's a pretty hurting city, to say the least. Regardless, it has a pretty lively night life. Just so happened a huge electronic music expo was being held that same weekend. I totally wish I could have gone. But my dad's not exactly the techno type. Oh well.

My brother's moving out of his apartment and back into my mom's place, apparently to save money for school/car/other stuff. Good for him. I get the feeling that it's going to be a bit crowded around here for a while though. It's hard for a 22 year old who's been on his own for 3 years to just up and move back in with mom. We'll see how it goes.

I organized a little outing to Arena 51 yesterday. Not as many people showed up as I would have liked, but whatever. People have other commitments. I also should have made sure I could actually participate in the plans I make before I go ahead and make them. I had to leave early to go see my little sister's violin recital. It was cute and all, but I really would have liked to go to Buffalo Wild Wings with the gang. Eh. At least I got to get my pool and ITG fix. I really suck at ITG, but it was definitely still a ton of fun.  Looking forward to doing other stuff with MCC people over the summer. It's good to have friends nearby when all you're used to is having friends living 45 minutes away from you.

Still crossing my fingers about this Blockbuster gig. Word on the street is that the manager hasn't gotten around to interviewing the assistant dude's interviewees. I don't know. Maybe I'm not cut out for a job like that anyway. I'm really not the salesman type. In fact, I'm firmly anti-commercialism. But damn it, money is money and regardless of what I believe, I really need some cash flow.

I've been thinking lately, about the way I feel about various people. I can't believe myself sometimes. I don't even know her and yet I feel attracted. I haven't seen another one in ages, and yet I still recall the days we shared together. Yet another I didn't like until she decided she liked someone else instead of me. And still there are others, others from my past whose names and faces find their way into my mind at the most inopportune moments. Ah, I really wish I could just forget sometimes, and start new. Blank slate, tabula rasa, a firmly shaken etch-a-sketch. Unfortunately for me, that's impossible. Memories surround us, every moment giving birth to more. There are times when I think I might just overflow, burst my mental levees, just overwhelmed by the sheer absurdity of it all.

And there you have it. A week or so's worth of entries all neatly and tidily spelled out. I think I'll go to bed now...g'night.

Regards,
Me

I was gonna post an impressive rant tonight, but I got woken up abruptly from a nap just at that point where I was finally actually asleep. I hate that. It just sucks. You're on the cusp of falling into a wonderful slumber and them *BAM* you're pulled back into this mess of a reality because dinner's ready and you have to eat with the family because that's a nice thing to do. I can't for the life of me figure out why family dinners are even considered nice in my family anyway. All we do is sit in silence or I get "talked to" about my future plans are my dad starts telling me what classes he thinks I should take and what life decisions to make and I really don't give two shits because all I would like to do is enjoy my first night off from school by watching some anime or doing a bit of roleplaying (not the sexual kind you pervs) but no we can't have that, can we? It's only constructive activities that are useful. Never mind the fact that these things are my most important stress relievers. Never mind the fact that they are some of the few things that can bring me a bit of happiness on an otherwise bland, drab, weeknight. And then there's always my little brother at the dinner table...6 years old going on his teens I swear...he's just a real handful, bless his heart, but damn. He's picky and whiny and messy and all around downright annoying. Thinks he's the one in charge and sometimes they way his parents treat him, I can see why. I'll be damned if I got half the shit he's got. So family dinners are pretty much useless around here. Forget about fostering communication and understanding between parents and their children. I just want to fucking go back to sleep. Forever. Or at least until the world stops sucking. I hate worldsuck.

Wow, looks like I managed a nice little mini-rant. Didn't mean to, but what the hell. Cool. Well, until next time...

Bene Vale,
Your Benefactor (or Malefactor depending on how you see things...)

Interview went about as well as can be expected for me. The assistant manager guy asked me about a bunch of stuff like favorite movie genre, what gaming consoles I play, my hours, why I wanted to work there, and so on. I think I did pretty well, we cracked a few jokes, talked about some similar interests. Uhm, my fly was unzipped for the whole interview, I hope he didn't see it, but he probably did so I look like I'm clueless.

Anyway they're going to call me back in the next couple of days to let me know if they want me to work there or not and if they do I'm apparently supposed to be interviewed by a panel of higher-ups. I'm supposed to pitch a sale to them and see if they will buy from me and if they think I will then I have the job. If not, I get vetoed :(

I'm no salesman T_T

And apparently the person who recommended I apply didn't even have to do this! Yeah, I'm talking to you >_>

Whatever. If I get the job I get it. If I don't I don't. I'll be disappointed but I'll just have to keep going on. We'll see how things pan out from here.

Later.

Shit, I have a job interview at Blockbuster in an hour and a half! I've never had one before and I have no idea what to wear, say, expect, etc. I really need/want this job, even though I am having issues of self-doubt about by abilities to do it right. Uhm...can't really think of anything else to say other than T_T

Gonna go shower and schtuff.

I'll let you all (lol, whoever reads this) know how it went later! Kthxbai!

...it's been a while, hasn't it? The two of us used to be constant companions, it seems. Always shadowing me, you were. Everything I did was tinged with your lingering presence; nothing I did was ever done right, everything that happened to me left me with regret. I know I try to go about life with the mindset of "no regrets, just do", but I'm only human...

For a time, I was sure we'd parted ways, though. Things suddenly...didn't feel wrong. I say it like that because I am hesitant to say that things felt right. I could go into the club office and see certain people and not care. In fact, it made me happy to see them happy. It was great. I could look them both in the eye and smile, genuinely. I could talk to them without that biting tone on the edge of my voice. I could tolerate existing in their presence. Classes didn't seem overwhelming any more. I played pool all the time, and I got a lot better. Pool, by the way, is a great game to play if you wanna blow off just a bit of steam. But I digress. Simply put, my days seemed better, brighter. The entire feeling of existential melancholy just...evaporated. Gone. Poof. Getting out of bed in the morning was no longer something I dreaded, just a minor inconvenience. For a time, things were good.

Of course, I should have know it wouldn't last. What goes up must come down, I suppose. All my days leading up until today were pretty good. But today was the day I was really looking forward to. It was supposed to be the best day I've had in a while. I was looking forward to spending some time wither a person I've (unfortunately) just started getting to know recently. I say unfortunately because I really wish we'd become friends sooner. Friends. I'm not sure if that word applies here. Friendship is something I can't really define, since we all have our own definitions of what a friend is. Thing is, I haven't really gotten to know her a whole lot. We just happened to have spent more time together lately than we used to (which was none). And by "time together" I don't mean time together, just time spent in the same general vicinity making conversation.

So it follows somehow that plans were made for today for the two of us to actually hang out for real. Go to a movie, go to dinner with a bunch of other people from the club afterward. But, as usual, the club didn't have its shit together, plans got screwed the fuck up, tempers flared, and the day and it's soft little silver lining went straight the fuck down the shitter.

It eventually played out that we were going to dinner, but a stupid oversight on my part meant we all got there an hour before the fucking restaurant even opened. So there we were, 12 (mostly) suburban college kids standing outside a tiny, closed, Japanese restaurant with nothing to do for an hour. Great. Oh, and did I mention that because people didn't have their acts straight before-hand and didn't decide on a concise dinner time until that day, my movie plans were screwed. Now ordinarily I'm not one of those people where it's always gotta be all about me, but this day was supposed to be different. I just wanted things to work out. I didn't want to be disappointed.

Apparently I had too high a level of expectations. I should have known better. The only thing I was really looking forward to tonight was just spending some time getting to know her, but something unexpectedly came up and she had to go take care of stuff, so she didn't even eat dinner with us let alone the movie (which wasn't what she wanted me to watch anyway). Don't get the wrong idea. I completely understand that these things happen and in no way am I angry or sad or, God forbid, emo about any of this. Just disappointed. It's nobody's fault, either. There's no blame to be had. If anything, I'm sorry for being a burden, a bother, just annoying, existing, whatever.

I've lost my will to rant now...this entry's already too long anyway. My eyes are at the point where they're glossing over, so I guess I should go get some rest. Shit, I just realized I've been up since about 6:00 AM with only about 4 good hours of sleep last night. And hey, I guess the day wasn't a total loss, it could have been much worse. It was an alright way to spend the evening after the last day of school this semester. I don't know what I'm going to do over the summer...I feel like I was barely getting situated with the people in the club. I've got a job interview with Blockbuster this Sunday I'm looking forward to. Really hoping I get this job for various reasons I don't want to say here. Hope it goes well, wish me luck. And good luck from me to those people I won't be seeing again for possibly ever, or at least a pretty long time.

Curate ut valeatis,
Me

So tomorrow there's an event going on at my old high school (that's Canandaigua Academy for those of you who don't know) called "night-club night". Basically the Jazz band and combo plays some pretty fly tunes while everyone else dances. It goes on every year and has pretty much become the prom of the music kids crowd, of which I'm formerly a part.

I'm totally pumped about it - I'm going, by the way - because I'll get to see a ton of my old friends that are back from college and the ones in high school I no longer get to see often. There's a few girls I'm definitely looking forward to seeing again...ones I liked back in high school and maybe a few that liked me back in high school. Haha, right.

Anyways, I just realized a moment ago that I can't dance. At all. I have absolutely no rhythm. For someone who's played music for the better part of 10 years and practiced martial arts for at least 5, you'd think I'd have better coordination when it comes to moving to a beat. But alas, it's not so. What's worse, this is no ordinary dancing. Swing music requires...yeah, you guessed it, swing dancing. I had a hard enough time doing that stuff in gym class, now I'm supposed to do it without having actually done it in well over a year. This is not going to end well.

I'm frantically watching beginners' swing dancing videos on youtube as I type this in hopes that by tomorrow I'll be able to so much as stand on my own two feet without looking retarded...

But all things considered, I guess it's not really about dancing at all. It's about rekindling old friendships. It's about remembering the good ole' days. It's about flirting with the ladies. And most of all, it's about having a great time. And if I look like a retard while doing so, who cares...? I mean, besides me? And the poor girls who have the misfortune to choose me as a dance partner? Nobody, that's who. Because half the people there are going to be in the same boat as me.

I can't wait till tomorrow.